Well, boo. I was trying to enter the Miss Snark’s First Victim – First Kiss Critique but it’s already full. I figured since I already spent the time putting together my entry, I might as well post it here! Let me know what you all think!
Lead-in: Roland has to confess his biggest secret that he believes will drive Candace away. She’s sitting on a piano bench and Roland’s on his knees in front of her.
“Do you have feelings for me?”
“I can’t tell you with words,” she replies.
I motion to the piano behind her. “Then, music?”
She shakes her head no and then pulls my chin up higher still. She leans down and brushes her lips against mine. Her breathing comes out shaky; anything she breathes out, though, I’m right there to take in. But it’s only lips brushing. She doesn’t make the effort to make it a full kiss, and I’m so frozen on my knees that I don’t either. But then I remember I’m being selfish right now. I’m taking this moment to hold onto in the future when I don’t have her anymore. So I push against her and make it real.
I rise on my feet, in my heart. Everything inside of me reaches to a newer height, but I never lose contact with her lips, my lifeline. I lean her back like I did when I dipped her during our first dance. Her elbows make contact with the right end of the piano, and it ripples a melody on the upper register.
I’ve never kissed a girl like this before. It’s not an I want you kiss or a how far will we go kiss, but a kiss that gives away a part of myself. A buzzing feeling runs through me, like I’ve been struck by lightning, but the electricity can’t find its way out of my body.
When she finally breaks away, even though I’m disoriented and burning up inside, I know what I have to do.
“I’m ready to tell you the truth now,” I mummer against her mouth.
She smiles, our faces still so close that I can feel every twitch of her lips. “You already did.”
J.A. Ward Writes 
I’m no expert with critiques so I can’t help you there, but I can tell you what I like and what I don’t like. This? I like 😉
I’m so curious to know why,WHY he won’t have her anymore in the future, and of course I want to know his truth. That kiss? I liked the description a lot. I could “see” it and feel it.
Favorite line for me from the passage: “… I never lose contact with her lips, my lifeline.” *swoon*
Ahh, so glad you liked it!! I was so excited to put it up, and then while I waited for any responses I was like “maybe it’s not that great…” haha ….I’m glad you liked it. Roland is my most swoon-worthy character to date. I might have a crush on him….
Ha! You crushing on him is no good since you wrote him. But please, allow ME to do it for you lol Man, I liked him and I don’t even know what he looks like o_0
Fine you can crush on him. I’m crushing on my own character myself, so I suppose its okay 😀
If you’re interested in looks, you can check out this Writer Diaries post. It gives a bit more details on them 🙂 http://thewriterdiaries.com/blog/13771275/song-for-a-scene-falling-slowly-by-chest
Swoon worthy indeed! Can’t wait to critique! 🙂 xx
Thanks girl!! YAY!! Can’t wait to have it finished so you can 🙂